Our life in France part 3: It Got Good

It got good

Fun in the sun, 2017

It was 2016 when I first realised that I no longer identified myself as anxious. That’s not to say I didn’t worry about anything. It was just that the worrying had stopped defining me, had stopped stopping me from being myself.

It took a LOT of work, belief and dedication to effectively rewire my brain. I had Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and also used some techniques from ‘The Linden Method’. I still take SSRIs and I probably always will. Contrary to popular belief they don’t make you happy; for me they just erased the worst of the depths of despair I seemed to constantly plunge into. They gave me a leg up towards normality.

I do genuinely feel as if, a decade after I ‘came out’ of the worst of it, I’ve rewired my brain, overwritten it with new neural pathways that keep me on the straight and narrow. I do have to look after myself and make sure I don’t get too caught up in anxiety provoking situations (like moving countries…). But I feel like an authentic version of myself.

Despite all my angst, I always had a funny streak – often found the humour in the darkest of places. And I try to bring this light into all my work, either for out-and-out funny books, such as ‘Everything is Fine’ or the upcoming ‘Road Trip to the Riviera’ or in the background, in books such as ‘The Bordeaux Book Club.’ Life is full of light and shade and I hope my work reflects that.

I don’t tend to talk about my anxiety that much. It spent too many years defining me and I’m glad to leave it well and truly in the past. But I’ve mentioned it here partly because it is part of my (and I hate this word) “journey” but also because if you’re an anxious person you don’t often see people who’ve completely recovered. It is possible. I am happy. The anxiety waits in the wings and I know it’s there, but I also know I have the tools to defeat it.

In some ways moving to France made me confront myself in a way that I might not have in the UK. No distractions. Working from home. Fewer connections.

And then of course, things got good.

(We’ll ignore Brexit for the time being – but suffice to say that I was glad that I had lots of anxiety slaying tools in my armoury when that came about).

Sunny day in Eymoutiers, 2022

My final eight years in France were filled with sunshine, lake swimming, laughter with the children, music workshops, markets, horse-riding (not me, one of the kids – I’m too scared) and our life was in many ways exactly as you might picture life in France with a tiny brood. 2020 was of course awful in its own way, but we’d moved to a bigger house with an enormous garden in late 2018 which meant we were insulated and the kids’ enduring memory of that time is running around in a sun-drenched garden. We were so, so lucky.

We’re back now. And I’m enjoying life in Norfolk. But the years in France were amazing, a real adventure. I’m so glad we made the leap.